Peace

I put a request out on the Facebook page that said “give me a topic, first answer wins” and that answer was, simply, “Peace”.

“Peace of mind? World Peace? Peace like a river?” I asked. “Teaching conflict resolution in ways other than violence.” was the answer.

I’m a parent. A parent of 8 children. Conflict resolution without violence is something I am familiar with, but not something I can honestly say I have even remotely mastered. In spite of our best efforts in parenting this large number of kids, there are still punches and kicks and scratching in the face, and many other creative ways they have found to hurt each other.

Others seem to have succeeded on a much larger scale, though. Ghandi. Martin Luther King, Jr. Some would say Jesus, but he cleared the temple with a whip, so…..

And then there are those that have no interest in peaceful resolution, they just want violence and terror. The only way to fight that is with violence – at least on a world-wide scale.

Like a lot of kids, when I was in school, I was bullied. I was skinny, clumsy, non-athletic…. not a good combination at a tiny midwestern school where athletics ruled the school. I was told “hit them back, they’ll leave you alone”, except my skinny, clumsy, non-athletic punching did nothing but encourage my bully to hit back harder.

So I am, by no means, an expert on conflict resolution without violence.

But now, more than ever, we need it. Here in the US we are very divided. It’s a Presidential election year, so emotions are high on both sides. And there are attacks coming from both sides. And while not many are physical, the attacks don’t have to be committed with  guns and knives to be violent.

How do we handle it? How do we rise above the anger and violence to something better and higher?

As I said, I am no expert. And honestly? I don’t know.

But I do know that it is important to try.  We as people, as human beings, have to do better, we have to BE better than what we are currently.

And I will say over and over again that I am no expert, but I do have some ideas, some theories, some experiences.

Step one: Listen.

That is, if the other party is talking. If they are just swinging, well, that’s different. But if they’re talking, if they have something to say against your position, then you must listen. And JUST listen. Not interrupt when something offends you, not refute everything point by point, not rebut anything. Just. Listen.

You’d be surprised how far that gets you.

Step two: No matter what, no matter what is said about your ‘side’ or your being, do not get angry.

Do. Not. Get. Angry. At all.

Or more precisely, don’t let anger dictate your response. You will FEEL angry, but don’t react in anger. Ever. That will do nothing to forward your ‘side’ or make your point.

Anger has a nasty habit of over-riding logic. You know in your head and your heart what you want to say, that your point is valid, but anger will cause you to forget how to make a very simple connection between what ‘they’ say and what you know. You’ll react in a way that makes you come off as not just angry, but stupid. And they’ll feel like they ‘won’, which just takes the whole situation in a circle.

So relax, breathe deep, and….

Step three: Go slow.

Hasty actions, hasty responses, can lead to huge misunderstandings. Presidents here in the US have exhibited this over and over. A hasty response to what might not actually be a slight could be disasterous. A patient response has avoided war many times.

This works on smaller scale too, especially in online interactions. Taking time to count to 10, or 20, or 100, can defuse many situations.

I’m going to leave the topic there, and  open the floor to responses. What are your ideas for avoiding violent conflict?